1. Making a festive film for showing on Channel 5 in the month leading up to Christmas follows a logical process:
- Choose Hallmark as your production company.
- Make it in Canada.
- Hire washed-up actors who were famous. Once. A very long time ago (step forward Steve Guttenberg and Andrew McCarthy).
- Make sure the story has a really soupy ending where some grumpy old bastard gets the festive spirit.
- or get married (on Christmas Eve).
- Try and remake A Christmas Carol (for the 3,000,000th time).
- Include the following characters if you can: frumpy old maid who always has a smart one-liner ready / smart-ass kid who is supposed to make us all cry with an ingenuous question / old man who seems to be the only one who still believes in Christmas (until the last five minutes of the film) / lead’s exasperating best friend (normally someone you would emigrate to avoid) / neglected parent.
- Do not, repeat NOT, watch Secret Santa. Now I’ve said that, you’ll all look in TV Choice to see when it’s on next and find out why I said that. Don’t say you weren’t warned. I would say it’s because it’s fucking crap, except that would be an insult to fucking crap.
- Finally, make sure you’ve got a clip of somebody watching an infinitely superior product such as Miracle On 34th Street or Scrooge, just as if to underline how it should be done.
2. Now I’ve got that off my chest, go to this page and choose a Peel Christmas programme to listen to, or this page to find links to videos of (most of) the Christmas songs John played, or this page to find out more about what the subject of this blog is supposed to be. I wrote them all and one of them was based on an article from here. Well, if I don’t blow my own trumpet, who else is going to.